Surviving me

I can feel the darkness approaching again. Thoughts are trying to consume me. I know when a spell is coming because I get angry, lazy, and quiet. 

If you haven’t already, you should read my mental illness post. 

The littlest things can trigger me. I have to be completely self aware all of the time. It is a training process to teach my brain to fire differently than what it is used to – what I am use to. 

The last few days, I have been dealing with insomnia. I can’t remember if I have mentioned it before, but I also have waves of insomnia. I think it is why I have had a headache the last few days. Lack of sleep does that, who knew? I did. 

Now that I know it is creeping up again, I am choosing to stop it in its tracks. Refocus. Regain strength. I know I am strong because I have been surviving this for a long time. 

It is now that I take my own advice about getting out of a funk. 

In the mornings, I find it difficult to get up. Then I refocus. My kids need me. I put some music on while we are going through the morning routine. It helps drown out the thoughts. It also makes the kids happy. Ever have a morning dance party during breakfast?

Most days, the morning ends when Pickle goes to school. Poppy and I come home and I am hopeful that she will nap. When she naps, I use that time to focus on myself. 

Yesterday, I was able to draw a new picture for the master bathroom. It was relaxing. I focused on the drawing and not the darkness trying to inch it’s way in.

Today, I was cranky. Chris got home later than usual and Poppy was fighting her sleep (all day). My psoriasis was flaring up and I couldn’t focus. I was blinded by darkness.

I handed Poppy off the second I was able. Closed the door, put on I Prevail, and took a hot shower. I was able to focus. 

That is the thing with depression and anxiety. You have to take control. Focus and even refocus. If you don’t then it controls you. It is definitely easier said than done, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

I am still surviving me. If you’re reading this, than you are still doing it, too. Keep on going. I know I am going to.

-Jenn