Where I am

8 months in to 2021 already. Wtf. ⏳

**I’m not really sure what the point of this post is, but I just feel compelled to write right now. **

I am currently laying across my bed with my feet hanging off. My daughter, who is 4 and sassy as ever, is sitting on my back and trying to use my head as a steering wheel. My youngest, is 2, and is trying to help her drive. Little do they understand how much sitting on me like that hurts (yay fibromyalgia). As much as I want to roll them off of me, I feel so guilty about it too.

Lately, I have been feeling a lot of guilt, impulsive feelings, and feeling like I am not satisfied. I have been trying to stew on these feelings so that I can figure out where I am supposed to be heading. What am I doing? What am I even capable of doing? Will any of that make me feel like I have something to be proud of?

Sure, I should be proud of being a mother, a 24/7 lifelong commitment to these currently little humans. But honestly, I feel more guilt than anything else. I don’t feel proud.

My husband is always telling me how strong I am. What he sees as strength only feels like obligations to me. Like being able to keep on going when I feel like quitting. Like functioning on the smallest amount of sleep. I don’t feel strong.

If I believed in the devil, surely all of this would be his doing.

Constantly feeling like I have to compare myself to others. I know I shouldn’t. Everyone has their own problems they are dealing with. And yet, I do it anyway.

I have all these ideas of who I’d like to be. Getting inspired by people around me, which is a good thing. At the same time, feeling completely lost when it’s just not who I am. Like why am I who I am? Why can I not figure out a way to make it happen? Why does my brain and body not work together? It is entirely consuming me.

“The person I aspire to be verses the person I actually am.” One of my favorite YouTube moms always says that.

Excuses. It must just be excuses right? 😒 To some extent, sure. I don’t know, I just feel all over the place. Unsatisfied. A bit lost.

Like I said, I don’t know what the point in this is. It’s just where I am.

-jenn