I decided instead of sharing only the good or fun things I would share the things that had me questioning my sanity. I thought it would be a good way to counteract that notion by finding the way to reclaim my sanity 😉 in the moment.
☆It was whacky Wednesday for my 2 older kids and myself. Other than that it was a typical morning, but add in Chris being on vacation this week. I went to work as usual around 830. I was getting my assignments printed and on my way back from the printer, I felt my calf pop. Instantaneously I was unable to walk. Long story short I ended up in the ER with a torn calf muscle.
Reclaiming My Sanity: Having Chris and Harrison definitely helped in keeping me sane when internally I felt like I was falling apart. If you have been following me here you would know all the challenges we have been going through lately. I am glad on this day I wasn’t dealing with it alone and had a reason to “fake it til I make it” so that my son didn’t need to worry about me.
☆It was a Friday afternoon and I started to feel down on myself. Not being able to get around has been a bummer and certainly puts a hold on my little motivation as it was. I felt like I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts for a bit. I ended up taking a time out in the laundry room after I put a load in the washer. I just sat on the floor and Syny 🐈⬛️ came and laid next to me. After a little bit, I picked him up for a few head boops to each other. Sometimes I don’t know if he is being needy or if he just knows I am. Either way, I love it. ❤️
☆One of my biggest triggers, sometimes even without realizing, is clutter and cleanliness. Unfortunately, as a person with ADHD and other mental health conditions, it sometimes is challenging to begin, or finish, a task. Ontop of that, when I am hyperfocused, I can spend forever on a single task. On this particular day, it was a Sunday. We had been working on projects, dealing with health related issues, and just meandering through the chaos for awhile. I was starting to feel guilty about everything. Sometimes, when I feel that way, I go into a cleaning rage. That is what happened on this Sunday. I was finally able to be on my feet again and decided to tackle one of the tasks that feels never-ending here, the kids bathroom. Sometimes I talk myself out of doing something because the thought of doing it is overwhelming; “where to begin?” Or “this won’t even last a day, what is the point?”
Reclaiming My Sanity: I challenged those thoughts by thinking, “if not now then it will continue to worsen. It will continue to cause stress and triggering certain negative feelings. It won’t clean itself that is for sure!” So I grabbed my tote of cleaning supplies, my phone for music, and barricaded myself in the kid’s bathroom. I even recaulked the tub. Once it was done, I felt such a sense of relief and like there was one less gross thing in the house. I swear bathrooms are thee worst places. Ugh. Anyway, the only way to begin is to begin. Once it’s done you can feel a sense of accomplishment, which who doesn’t enjoy that? • I am now accepting advice on cleaning all this grout in the tiles. I have tried several pinterest hacks, but so far nothing has done the trick.•
☆Another day and another visit to the hospital. Cheese and rice, I seriously am getting burnt out on this. At the same time, it is what it is and the show must go on. This was on a Monday.
That evening I had everything ready for the next day as I was scheduled to go back to work. I woke up to messages from my mom, who watches my youngest while I work, that she had been very sick all night long. That means I won’t have anyone to watch my son. I had asked my boss if I could bring him with me, but that was a no-go and I get it. So we spent the day together at home. I was starting to feel on edge about it all again. I have plans and dreams and not being able to work (which is a lot lately) makes my checks so small. It is very frustrating for me. I am constantly wondering ‘what test I am taking for everything that has been going on’.
Reclaiming My Sanity: Sometimes a good distraction from my own brain is doing nothing. I decided to take a nap. Sleep is so valuable to me and it definitely made the day better.
☆One thing I often struggle a lot with is mom guilt. The constant tug of I am not doing enough, being enough, or I am too much of something. A large factor of this momguilt for me is because of my chronic health conditions. For those who are new here, I have fibromyalgia, OCD, ADHD, PTSD, PMDD, and Borderline Personality Disorder (which is seemingly in remission right now). With those conditions, comes many days where I am fatigued, pained, depressed, and debilitated. On days like that, my momguilt comes in full force. It was a Thursday. I had been up all night dealing with pain and waking up in a fibro flare. Luckily I was off work, but I wasn’t even able to get my kids to school because of it.
Reclaiming My Sanity: I had spent some time just playing Animal Crossing in my bed, it occupies the hands and the mind. Then I began stirring on the fact that my kids don’t understand “why mommy isn’t feeling good. Why does mommy spend so much time in bed?” They haven’t really voiced it, but the guilt for me is there. I had remembered that I bought some books from a local book store a couple weeks prior. One of them being a book on Chronic Illness. I decided to call the children to sit with me while I read them the book. They may not understand it all still, but I just hope they understand that I don’t want to have these issues that limit me especially in my relationships with them. I hope that they understand that there is a reasonable reason for it.
☆Although my sleep has been terrible the last couple of weeks, I woke up [on about 5 hours of interrupted, yes interrupted sleep], feeling rather great! I got up, got ready for work, got the kids up and ready for school, got them to school and myself to work (even took a picture of the sunrise because I thought I needed to remember the day I had a good morning), and even work was great (usually is). It was after work when, shit. hit. the. fan. Not going into those details, but as my sister in law told me, I had went into catastrophizing mode.
Reclaiming My Sanity: First off, I was (and am) incredibly grateful to have my husband. He took immediate interest in my mental needs and took action. At the same time, I decided to confide in my sister in law. Lately I have been trying not to involve others with my chaos, but I really needed another person’s perspective for some guidance. Luckily between the 2 of them, I found resolution, comfort, and my sanity. -Sometimes an outside perspective can make all the difference. Whether that’s a friend, relative, coworker, or therapist; someone with the capacity to really listen. – without the combined efforts of them at that moment, I really would have made some poor choices that could have potentially been detrimental to my overall goals.
☆Paying attention to moments of calm and appreciating it as chaos will eventually return. Being grateful for both the easy and hard days.
☆I have been feeling like a chicken with its head cut off lately. It seems like there is always something to be done, events to go to, and obligations that need fulfilled. I always have this ongoing mental list of things I want to do for me, but when life is chaotic, I often don’t see the time available to do them. On this particular weekend, we had plenty of obligations to be done. I was getting burnt out of saying yes to things. Feeling like I hardly have time for anything exciting, or simply for me.
Reclaiming My Sanity: I decided to make time to paint.
☆ This has been such an up and down month for me. So many visits to doctors, changing my psych meds, and just feeling entirely overwhelmed a lot of the time.
Reclaiming My Sanity: Decided I needed a creative outlet to give myself something fun to focus on. I had seen a reel on these crafts and decided to see if they work like they claimed.
and in true monthly recap fashion here are the movies I watched this month!
- The Hunger Games
- The Hunger Games Catching Fire
- The Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1
- The Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2
- Aladdin [original]
- Shakespeare The Truth Behind The Name
- Still Time
- Dragged Across Concrete
- The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
We are starting April with Spring Break, woohoo!! What did you do this month?