I am in my feels right now, and feeling a little ranty.
Childhood trauma is such a real thing. As kids, we often don’t even know what we are experiencing is trauma until we mature and start putting things together. Most of my trauma comes from my relationship, or lack thereof, with my biological father. Because of him, I grew up being told that girls are not as smart or as strong as boys. That a marriage is between a man and woman. That it is perfectly okay for teenage boys to have sexual relations, but not teenage girls. That I was too fat to dance. That talking while someone is on the phone is completely unacceptable. That speaking while someone is watching a sports game is also completely unacceptable. That getting hit on the bare-ass with a leather belt, is a perfectly fair punishment for all “crimes” committed. That a relationship with a daughter is not as important as a relationship with a son. That, as a girl, I essentially had nothing to give the world and nothing to be proud of myself for.
I didn’t know it until I started to heal my trauma, that all of this had lead me down a road of constantly looking for ways to make someone, anyone, proud of me. Fishing for compliments or doing things I wasn’t even comfortable with just to make someone like me. Portraying myself in a way that made people desire me, because I felt so undesirable. Not really knowing who I was outside of this person I had essentially created. Did I even like who I was? Did I know what I liked and disliked at any given time? I was a lost soul behind this happy go lucky creation I made.
I am 32 now; married with 3 kids, and I am still having to heal from the things from my past. Sometimes, I am still catching myself being upset when I don’t hear words of praise over my accomplishments. Wondering why it isn’t seen as something to be proud of. Comparing the response I get, to the response other people get for virtually the same things.
When I catch myself, I stop and I say to myself…
WHY SHOULD IT MATTER IF SOMEONE ELSE IS PROUD OF ME?! The only person I should worry about being proud of me, IS ME!
I am so damn proud of who I am today. I am strong, brave, and kind. I have not gave in to my dark thoughts and cannot count how many times I have had to pull myself out of them alone. I have all these diagnoses and refuse to let it stop me from living my best life. I am working towards my goals every single day. Not only am I doing all of these things that people do not see for myself, but I am also raising 3 kids and maintaining a household. I say that is a lot to be proud of!
This is not only a reminder for me, but a reminder for anyone else that you do not need to make anyone proud. The only person you need to be proud of you, IS YOU!
Keep going. Do what sets your soul on fire. Choose joy. Be proud of your damn self.