For just about 2 weeks now I have been trying to pinpoint what I am feeling. I have felt like so many emotions wrapped into one massive ball of, pardon the language, fuckery. I have literally felt like I am dealing with the death of a loved one, though that isn’t the case. It has been such a difficult time in my mind.
I have been trying to keep busy, just to keep myself from spiraling out of control and completely shutting down. But this morning, when I woke up, it just came to me. “Collateral Damage” I am collateral damage.
I am the unintentional damage that has occurred in this fuckery of a situation. Not only was the immediate trauma absolutely horrifying, but the aftermath of my mind since has induced more of it.
During the event in question, I am sure it was not intentional to involve me. But now, it is 100% a choice to leave me trailing behind, with the trauma, without even so much as an acknowledgment of what damage it has done. None of it feels fair. It feels like a bridge on fire, with me stuck in the middle, and nowhere that I can safely go.
I can only occupy my mind so much before it creeps back in and hits me like a ton of bricks.
I have to come to terms with never getting the acknowledgment. Never getting to even talk about what happened and what damage it has caused. Sometimes when we are hurt by someone we have to learn to go on without resolution, even though we may so badly want it.
I know it is still all so fresh right now, but damn does it suck.