It has been a productive day today. I tore out the wood flooring in the kitchen and dining room, finished almost all of the laundry, ran to target, and started a new drawing. I decided to take a break, mainly to give my back some relief and decided that I felt like writing. Without having a specific topic in mind, I decided on a questionnaire; 25 Questions For Self Reflection. I feel like I have changed a lot lately and I like looking back on who I was. So I figured this would be one to get my mind going and something to look back on later in time.
1. What is on my mind right now?
This weekend for sure. We have a lot going on and in some ways I don’t want to do any of it, but am also excited for the kids [all the Easter events]. I also am thinking about how good a nap sounds right now and what do I want for dinner tonight.
2. What do I need to get off of my chest today?
This week I have had a few dark spots. A couple of days ago I sat and cried while watching my youngest son play because I was contemplating leaving this world that day. Sometimes it bothers me that no one notices enough to say something or be there. At the same time, I am no one’s responsibility.
3. What do I need to hear today? How can I uplift myself?
I don’t know. I am in the rut of feeling like I don’t matter.
4. What advice do I need to give myself right now?
I probably need to consider what I would tell another struggling soul and hopefully convince myself it is truth.
5. What feels like a struggle at the moment?
A few things honestly; my physical pain and emotional stress being the biggest ones.
6. What do I want to accomplish today/tomorrow?
Getting the den painted would be nice.
7. What has been going well in my life lately?
My sleeping has improved a lot now that I am on a vitamin regimen. I am getting better quality sleep.
8. As of today, what is my vision for my life in the next 3 years?
I guess the biggest thing would be finding what I want to do when all 3 kids are in school. I don’t really have any ideas yet on what sort of job I would want to have, that accomodates the schedule I want. Still hoping to become a millionaire off my etsy shop 🤣. More travel is probably my biggest motivator.
9. What are my greatest strengths and how will they support me in my vision?
Once I have a clear vision, I am usually heavily determined in accomplishing whatever it is. I don’t like to procrastinate.
10. When I am telling my grandkids what I did in my lifetime, what will I be telling them?
Oh wow. I would tell them how I was a stay at home mom for 8 years while the kids were young. I will tell them what I enjoyed and certain historic events I lived through.
11. What stresses me out? What can I do to reduce stress?
I can be easily triggered into feeling completely stressed without warning, yay for BPD. I try to reduce the triggers that I know will happen by maintaining those stressors; like a cluttered home. I have to try to keep up on it everyday or else I will lose my cool over the smallest things regarding the house. Other than that, I focus on what brings me joy and boundaries.
12. What makes life feel complicated? How can I simplify my life in little ways?
Life feels complicated when you’re struggling with the life you want verses the life you live. You can only do what you can with what you have. I’m not sure how I can simplify things more than they are.
13. What doubts do I currently have and how can I ease them?
Most of my doubts are self induced. I don’t know how to ease them permanently.
14. What thoughts have I been repeating in my head lately? Are they true?
Most of these regarding my appearance lately. Some people would say they are true and others would say they aren’t. It’s perspective. To me they have to be true because otherwise it wouldn’t haunt me so much.
15. What is overwhelming me right now?
In this current moment I am relaxed, so nothing feels overwhelming right this second. Out of mind I guess.
16. How can I support myself more?
Keep fighting to get where I want to be. I have been feeling a lot of defeat with the medical system lately and gave up fighting for relief, but this last week I got in contact to try again. Hopefully it leads somewhere worthwhile.
17. How have I been holding myself back?
The thing that comes to mind is eating fast food. It definitely hinders weight loss, but some days I just don’t care. It is always a work in progress.
18. What do I judge myself for?
Literally everything. Thank you to my ever so wonderful brain.
19. What traits do I like about myself?
I think I am funny. I am caring and kind. I believe I have a big heart in wanting to put everyone before myself. I am blunt. I am willing to learn.
20. What can I do to nurture my body, mind, and soul more?
I need to get back into consistent exercise and monitoring calories. Everything else will follow.
21. How can I make more space in my life for the things that I love?
I do fairly well with the day to day stuff, but I really really want to be able to travel more. It just can be so expensive in today’s economy. Plus we can only go so far on a weekend trip. Not impossible, but has to be thoroughly planned.
22. What does living an intentional life mean to me?
Meaning everything I do has a reason behind it. Like I am doing this to accomplish that, sort of thing. Being intentional with my time so that I am not sleeping the days away or mindlessly scrolling social media all day.
23. What would my perfect day look like? What would I be doing?
No day can be the same and I wouldn’t want it to be. What may sound perfect one day, might not on another. In general, it involves making my home clean and appealing. It involves iced coffee. It would involve going to the gym everyday. Not being in so much pain all of the time.
24. What does my typical day look like?
Up at 720AM. Get kids together for school. Take them to school. Come home. Clean, read, play, message people, watch movies with toddler, let dogs in and out all day, “work” on my shop stuff, pick up kids, cook, clean, bath time, lounge, sleep.
25. What brings me the most joy?
When my kids show their affection towards me. And when my toddler does silly things.
I feel like that was a little depressing, but also necessary to reflect on. I highly recommend doing this questionnaire for yourself. Everyone has at least one area they could work on more. Doing these can help find where that is.
The last load of laundry is beeping at me now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and happy Easter to those who celebrate!
🥚 🐣 🐇 jenn