Today I want to talk about something I have been struggling with. It wasn’t until recently that I realized this is not just a “problem” that I am having, but many mom’s feel the same. I feel like this is something that should be talked about because no one should have to feel like they are forced to suffer alone.
I love my kids. I think any normal and decent parent can relate to that. I so badly wanted all of my children, ever since I was very young. I always felt like it was sort of my calling to be a mother. Then I had kids.
I often am questioning my ability to be a mother. Questioning if I am actually cut out for this role that I longed for so much. I have spent nights crying for feeling so inadequate as a mom. I have cried when my kids have got on my last nerve and caused me to lash out with yelling. I have cried over the house that cannot seem to stay decent despite my endless efforts. I have cried because even though I am married, I feel like a single parent most of the time. I have to do it all.
I am one person taking care of 3 kids, 4 pets, 1 husband, a home, and also trying to maintain my own health and sanity. And let me just say, it fucking sucks sometimes. I think it is okay to feel like it sucks, that doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids. That doesn’t mean we are shitty parents. It just means we are overworked and underappreciated.
It means we need time to recharge our own batteries. We need time to figure out who we are outside of serving our family. We are not JUST mom’s or partners, we are still individuals with needs and wants. We shouldn’t feel guilty for putting ourselves first, too. We shouldn’t feel shunned for taking a day to vegetate and leave the vacuuming or laundry for later. [Not that I personally am being shunned, but I have heard from other mom’s who do feel this way].
Why is it so taboo to talk about things that we are all thinking about? Like..
I love my kids, but I don’t always enjoy them.
I don’t enjoy playing certain things with my kids.
My kid talks so much I find them annoying.
My child whines constantly and makes it hard to be around them.
I allow my kid to have screen time just to keep them from making me yell at them for antagonizing their sibling, leaving garbage everywhere, breaking furniture from their acrobatic acts, or leaving peanut butter fingerprints all over the walls.
My child is so weird sometimes.
How in the hell-o kitty does Tina do it, she has it all together and has 46 kids! I can’t even manage the 2 I have a lot of the time…
I want a few days alone so I can regroup.
I’d venture to say 99% of parents have felt at least one of those. I know I have and do. Maybe its time we stop judging ourselves and cut ourselves some damn slack. Is your child fed, clothed, and sheltered? Do they feel loved? Do they get excited to see you when you were gone? Do they come to you for kisses when they get an owie? Or come running to you for a shoulder to lay on when they are sad? Do they rub their snot into your shirt when you are cuddling them at 2am because they don’t feel good? Do they want to show you something they are excited about (maybe even 579493 times)?
These are all little signs that you are doing something right. Parenting definitely isn’t always easy and sometimes it definitely sucks, too. It isn’t wrong to feel this way. You should know that you are certainly not alone and you don’t have to keep these as “dark secrets”. It doesn’t make you a crappy mom to have negative feelings about it.
Just keep holding on for the ride.