I Am Still Here

I feel like I haven’t been as present on here lately. Partly because of some writer’s block and partly because I have been very exhausted. My insomnia has been back for over a month now, sleeping roughly 3 to 4 hours a night but definitely not consecutively. I think it is because I have been bringing some deep stuff to light recently in trying to work on myself. Trying to better myself.

I feel like every aspect of my life is a fight right now. I spent many nights laying there contemplating my life and trying to justify giving up. And even though there were moments where I was really close, I still managed to have enough self control not to. I feel like I could spend hours on the feelings going on with all of this, but I am not sure it is exactly important enough that would then make this a super long blog post.

The feedback I get from most people is that I should be admitted. At the very least, I am told I should be in therapy. Now, I am not against either of those things if I were to feel like #1 I needed it and #2 I have lost self control. I have been dealing with these same thoughts and feelings since I was very young, at least 20 years now. I have a pretty good read on when I am losing self control to a point of needing to be put somewhere that is deemed safe. I am not a danger to myself or others and if that were the case I would recognize it and take the necessary action.

I am not anti-therapy. I actually have gone to therapy in the past. I guess I have a different outlook on it now. I feel like most people go to therapy because they need to talk to someone. I am not afraid of talking to anyone about myself. I could talk until I am blue in the face. So it isn’t something that I need to “get off my chest” anymore in order to “heal”. Therapy is also a good way to learn coping mechanisms. However, I feel like I have been doing this long enough and know myself well enough that I know some of my deeper issues will not be bandaided away by a coping mechanism. Not to say it doesn’t help some people, but I just do not feel in these instances and knowing myself that they will be sufficient enough for me.

People can judge me and call me stubborn and that’s okay. No one knows me like I do. Therapy is not the only way to better yourself. The internet is a great resource. I have been working on a Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook that my friend recommended to me from Amazon. I am about halfway through now and it has been an interesting experience. I also am planning to get DBT workbook next.

I guess all I am trying to say is, I am still here. I am still trying.

Jenn