Wired Like This

I am feeling a bit coocoo all the sudden today.

I have been very open when it comes to my mental illnesses and struggles that come with that. Today, I am really in a deep errm, meditation?, with myself.

The other day I saw a post on Facebook my cousin had shared and it included a comment about reaching out if you are struggling mentally. I shared it and asked for others to share it.

I had 2 heart responses, but no shares. I let it go until today when all the sudden everything is making me question my existence. I was starting to let the anxiety really get to my head and that is where I currently am.

What am I even good for?

Why do people not respond to me in a group chat, but respond to each other?

Why don’t people check on me, knowing that I have been so open about my suicidal thoughts? Do they just not want to hear it? Do they not take it seriously?

Why do people say reach out, but then not say that it has to be when they are available or when it is convenient for them?

Am I too selfish in wanting these things?

Have I talked about it too much that they don’t think I would ever do anything? I certainly cannot promise I never would. Sometimes it feels like a second away from happening.

How can a person feel so good and so bad all at once?

What is triggering all this today?

What in thee hell-o kitty is going on here!?

What am I doing?

How can I live the life I want?

Not that I hate my life, but how do I live my best life?

I feel like I am so full and empty all at the same time.

Why was I wired like this.

Ugh.

-jenn