Hold on a second while I gather my thoughts…
I apologize in advance if this is jumpy, but I just feel compelled to write this out.
For the last 2 weeks, consistently, I have felt a sense of urgency. Like there is something missing in my life. It used to be this feeling when I knew I wanted another baby. I definitely know I don’t want another, so I know it cannot be that.
Part of me thinks it is related to income. I would love to be bringing in income. However, my situation and my mental status doesn’t have the motivation for it. We make do just fine, so it isn’t that we are struggling anymore. I just feel like I am itching for more. Things that I would enjoy doing that could make money, take investing. At the same time, making anything isn’t a guarantee and it could easily be money wasted. But, if I had income, we would have so much more extra money to do all these more expensive things that we are wanting to do: renovating, projects, and more vacations (we did just book one for September). Instead of having to be patient, which is difficult for my brain, and do everything in parts, I would like to be able to just do it all in one shot.
Another part of me thinks the urgent feelings are related to personal achievements. Essentially, what do I want from my life? I know some answers to that question, but the ones I know don’t calm the itch down.
I had started thinking about trying a part time job again, opposite shifts of my husbands like we did before. Then we went as a family to costco, masks and all. We were there for maybe an hour and a half. The entire time my mask was really triggering me. For starters, I don’t like things in my face. It makes me feel suffocated. [Possibly more on this another day as it relates to PTSD]. I also cannot stand when I cannot see and wearing a mask was a serious problem with my glasses. I made it through without any meltdowns, but I realized I am so thankful for my life right now; being able to stay home and our finances still being ok. I also realized, during this pandemic I don’t think I would be able to keep sane if I was to try to work again. I definitely commend people who are out there working and wearing masks for their entire shift.
Sometimes I feel a sense of guilt for not being able to keep a job permanently. I feel guilty that I don’t have the motivation to leave to go to work. Sometimes I feel ashamed for it. I think some people might see it as being lazy, but actually that isn’t true at all. It is just mentally difficult and I wish people could understand that. I wish I was able to give my husband more of what he deserves. He works so hard every single day and still comes home doing things around the house, being a dad, and being a husband. Tomorrow is his birthday and what I really want to get him costs anywhere from $600 to thousands, but it is something we will have to save for. Which is fine, but like I said I like to have things when I want them (like for a birthday gift). Of course, who doesn’t? Working hard use to be easy for me. I spent 3 years working full time straight out of high school. I don’t have that drive anymore.
Some people tell me, “Jenn you already have a very important job” as in raising my kids. Which yes is true, but it doesn’t come without feelings of guilt, too. I am grateful for my life and being able to stay home with my kids. I am grateful for my husband and his impeccable work ethic. I really don’t know what I would do without him.
I know I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I just feel like there is something missing.
Do you ever feel that way?