To say things have been tough would be an understatement. (I am not talking about the chaos going on in the world right now). When I was officially diagnosed with things [OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, most likely Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD] few weeks ago, I didn’t know what knowing all of that would mean for me.
Like anything else, I research. I have researched a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder the last couple of weeks. I think that is partly how I process things, learning more about it. As I started digging into it’s manifestation, I came across something that said most people with BPD, have childhood trauma. I started reliving the moments that I would feel were traumatic to my childhood self. My parent’s divorce, my father who was never around, my mom who was emotionally unavailable because ofsaid divorce, my sexual assault, my bullies for several years, and my pre teen to teenage struggle with my sexual identity.
I guess, yes, there are things that my inner child is still trying to deal with. I keep coming across the term “childhood emotional neglect”.
I definitely feel like a lot of those apply to my childhood. I even feel a sense of guilt because I know if I were to bring any of it up with my family, like my mom, she would probably feel like crap about it. Her and I have talked about these things a lot and I don’t have any ill feelings about her. I know she was dealing with a lot herself and did the best she could with what she had. But using the term neglect, as a mother myself, would make me feel like a failure. I don’t see my mom like that. My dad on the other hand, failed me miserably. I feel like most of my childhood trauma comes from him. He denied me the right to express emotions about the divorce, about his then girlfriend, about my sexual identity, about my interests in certain things, body shaming, my personal relationships, he had double standards for his sons and daughters, and ultimately he had zero interest in me as a person.
Then add in everything from 18 years old to now being 30. My plan for suicide by age 22, my personal relationships, parenting, family drama, and finally realizing I’m not mentally “normal”. It makes sense why the scars are still hurting. It does boggle my mind though how it manifests the way that it does.
I try really hard to express things to make it possible for people to understand. It’s like feeling empty, but stuffed full at the same time.
Every minute is a roller coaster. One minute I am completely fine, the next minute a trigger happens and I shut down. Sometimes I get angry and yell. Sometimes I don’t even know what triggered me to start with.
Having been in research mode, I am starting to realize when the shift occurs. I am trying to pinpoint the triggers. Honestly, it has become even more exhausting being aware of myself. I have doubled my med dose and I am not sure it is helping at all with the swings. I feel more unstable now than I did on the lesser dose. It’s still early to tell for sure, but I do have a follow up scheduled already so it definitely will be discussed.
I was going to start DBT but of course the 2 groups they have are outside my availability. I requested individual therapy just to get something going, but of course, there are no openings right now for new patients. Most likely I will have to go to a different hospital network, but that bugs me some so I don’t have the willpower to start that yet.
I guess the only good thing to report with the med increase is that my OCD is more under control now. The “what if” thoughts aren’t constantly playing, so that has been nice.
I have yet to meet anyone else who openly talks about BPD. I just want those who are silent to know they aren’t alone. I see you and I feel you. I know it is hard, but life is tough and so are we!
Reclaiming My Sanity 