This Is My Normal.

When you spend the majority of your life a certain way, you can only assume that it is normal. It wasn’t until maybe 2 years ago that I found out not everyone has experienced depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and the like. Even in hearing other people’s testimony about the way their “normal” brains work, didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t normal.

This is my normal.

I have had the same thoughts since I was a kid. Though, there definitely were plenty of those thoughts that made me feel like I should be committed. I knew those thoughts were not in my character. I assumed everyone had those sort of thoughts and the shame and guilt that went along with it. I guess that is not so.

For the last few years or so, I had seriously wondered if I was bipolar. I feel like being bipolar is more known about now. I know I have a predisposure because my grandmother was bipolar. Some of the traits definitely described me.

But then, just this last week, after talking for the first time ever to a psychiatrist, she said while I do not meet the criteria entirely for bipolar disorder, I definitely do meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder.

In a way I was not surprised. I had come across the term before in my searches in trying to find out why I am the way that I am. Then, of course after the discussion, I had to search about it again. I definitely agree that I meet way more criteria for BPD than bipolar disorder. In browsing pinterest, I am finding all of these pins that I completely relate to.

It is weird in trying to recognize your own brain as not being “normal” when you have spent at least 18 years with this same brain. I wish people could understand what it is like for me. I found this on pinterest and felt like it fit me 100%.

It is a serious battle every single day. Some part of me feels like I am an insane person. How did my brain end up this way? Everything I find and even the psychiatrist says it is almost entirely related to trauma. I have been through a lot of trauma in my life, from emotional trauma to sexual trauma. Each trauma making my BPD worse in my opinion.

Processing these things has been tiring. I am trying to be gracious with myself as best as I can. At the same time, I feel shame and guilt. I feel judged even though I shouldn’t.

I am doing the best that I can. Even if every day my best looks different than the last, I am still here and I am still fighting.