Family Dysfunction with “in laws” (seeking advice)

It is 1135pm, Friday, May errrmm…16th? Nope, 15th. All the kids are in their beds and I am pretty certain my husband is sleeping in our oldest son’s bed, too. That leaves me in my room, in the mostly quiet (monkey’s t.v. is on). I really feel like talking, but no one is awake right now. So, here I am. Typing my thoughts for the world to read. I am not afraid to be vulnerable. I am not afraid of someone I know reading this and what they may or may not think of me. However, I have been dwelling on this for a long time now and I am really trying to figure out why it bothers me so damn much.

How is it you can want someone to not be in your life, but at the same time know that it shouldn’t need to be that way? I have talked about some of this before, but I just really feel like I need to lay it all out there. I no longer care if the people involved read it. So, let us start from the beginning as I remember it (because yes there are always at least 2 sides).

I met my husband in late February 2010. We had an instant sort of love. It happened so fast, but never once felt wrong. He officially asked me to be his girlfriend on March 3, 2010. Up until that point, I really didn’t know a whole lot about his personal life. At some point, I went to his house (I already met his parents) and met his brother and his brother’s fiance’. This probably was still in the month of March. There was nothing negative at that time. She showed me her wedding dress in a picture and that is all I really remember from that day.

Chris didn’t talk about his brother or his brother’s fiance’ very often. I never once got the vibe that they were close by any means. I met all of Chris’ other friends, we hung out with them often. I felt like I had a good idea of who he was close to and who he wasn’t. We spent literally every hour we could together outside of work. At some point in our relationship he started making comments about the things that his brother’s fiance, Rachael, was texting him. At first I was caught off guard because they didn’t even seem to be close enough to be texting all the time. However, then the content of the messages seemed inappropriate to me. I had asked Chris to tell her that it was inappropriate, but he hates confrontation and wouldn’t do it. It continued on for months.

I remember during the summer, I had gone to the mall to find a dress to wear to their wedding. Chris had invited me to go with him even though he was in the wedding party. I was not excited about going, but I was going to go for him. I remember texting Rachael pictures of dresses and she said I could wear anything except anything that was white. Fair enough. I found a dress and bought it.

Time progressed and so did the messages. I remember him reading me messages that she would send like, “do you remember when you gave me massages?” Or “just thought you would like to know I am pooping”. I asked him many times to tell her she needed to stop as it seemed inappropriate to text your soon to be brother in law things like that. Like, why does he need to remember him giving you a massage?

At some point I questioned whether or not they had feelings for each other. He laughed it off and I am sure he mentioned it to her. Point is, it never stopped. Side note, they did go on one date before she officially was dating his brother. He said he did not have any feelings for her then either. According to her blog though, she possibly had some for the both of them, but then ultimately used Chris to get his brother’s attention.

Anyway…

They (his brother and rachael) married in October. I did not attend because I wound up going with my family to Chicago to see my older brother after graduating from boot camp.

Then, you have to take into consideration the things she was saying about us and me on social media. In October, Chris and I decided to move in together. Instead of wishing us well or just not saying anything at all, she wrote “have fun being poor”. Like what does that even mean? You know nothing about our finances and honestly you probably have no room to even talk.

I remember one day I thought her and I were finally in an okay place, prior to her knowledge of me questioning their relationship. By this point I knew we would be in each other’s lives for along time. I went to friend her on Facebook. I added her and shortly after she posted a status that said “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. I also saw on her public profile that she had been talking about me. She was telling people how I am “not even feminine looking” and that I “ruin a good time” just by being present.

Why would someone be so hateful unless there was a reason to be?

It is one thing to be accused of something and try to extinguish the situation by saying “I didn’t realize it was like that, I apologize and will stop”. But it is a whole nother thing to get completely defensive about the accusations which makes them seem even more validated.

Chris and I married in March of 2012. Not long after that, we heard that Rachael was pregnant. We were happy for them, but Chris had made a comment, that I was jealous because we were trying too. I never once looked at it as being jealous. I was frustrated with my body at the time because it seemed like I was unable to get pregnant. I was happy for them regardless of my own issues. She wrote on her Facebook shortly thereafter “jealousy is a sin, have fun in hell”. Like, okay, how could I not assume that was directed at me?

In October, we found out we were pregnant. Her response was that I was just trying to copy her..as if I could magically plan a pregnancy and that she is some goddess of a person that I envied or something. No. Had she even the slightest knowledge about me, she would have known how long I have wanted to be a mother.

At some point during the pregnancy I realized that our children would be cousins and family get togethers would be very awkward if we did not make amends. I had apologized to her for the accusations even though I still felt they were valid. Instead of apologizing back her response was something like “I will agree to be civil, but we will never be friends”. I left it at that and tried to put it all behind me.

I went as far as making a baby blanket for their baby for Christmas and instead of saying thank you, I got the response “oh..we will get a lot of these..” as if everyone else will be crocheting them blankets?

I also went ahead and bought them baby gifts for their baby shower even though she claimed my invitation got lost in the mail. Like I believed that for a second!

I let things like that go on for about 4 years, maybe 5. Until one day out of the blue, Chris’ brother texts him asking if we would like to go to some “fancier olive garden” dinner with them. I said absolutely not. They have done nothing but continue to disrespect me and I won’t be around that. Chris, really hates confrontation, but I think he learned his lesson about not saying anything the first time and decided to reply with exactly what I said.

It turned into this really dragged out back and forth, for days, conversation with days inbetween the replies. Basically it came down to Rachael saying, “I am sorry for how I said things, but I am not sorry for saying them”. So…basically you aren’t sorry at all…

It was then we decided we want zero part of them in our lives. I felt bad for our kids and theirs, but the situation just would never be changed. It definitely puts a burden on Chris’ parents and I think that bothers me more than anything. However I think what also bothers me, is knowing they are each others only siblings. Their parents are older and time is not guaranteed. It is a very real possibility that Chris and his brother may be the only people left from their family one day. I couldn’t imagine if that was me and being completely estranged from my family. It just bugs me immensely. Yet at the same time, I do not miss being around them. I feel a sense of guilt for being okay with that, I think for the sake of Chris’ parents. I think that is one thing Rachael doesn’t give two craps about and never really has.

I know too much I think and some days I really just want to tell her off. But it isn’t worth it. She’s not worth it.

And yet, here I am, writing about it AGAIN because it bugs the ever living shit out of me.

Like why?

Someone please tell me why I do this?

Anyone?

If there is a god…? Margot? Samantha? Bueller?

If you read this far, thank you. If you have any advice on the matter I would greatly appreciate anything you might have to say to enlighten me.

7 thoughts on “Family Dysfunction with “in laws” (seeking advice)

Add yours

      1. I’m not married, nor have I been in a relationship, but I would most likely follow the same path you have! I wish you all the best and I’m sending loads of love your way 💕💕

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Jenn, I feel a little like Dorothy Dix, but you did ask. Stay off ant-social media. Tell your husband you’d rather not know about her texts. And last but not least, there’s Chris’ parents. You are worried about them. Encourage Chris to visit. Drop in once in a while yourself-with a couple of home baked baked muffins.

    Like

    1. Oh she definitely doesn’t text him anymore. We have zero relationships with her and his brother now, for the last maybe 2 years or so. We have a great relationship with his parents. I just want the situation to quit bothering me all the time. Some advice I was given was some tools to stop obsessive thoughts. The most advice I have been given is to just let it go. While I have surely tried it still feels like it’s haunting me.

      Thank you for reading and the advice!!

      Liked by 1 person

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