I have been feeling a little looney lately. I want to write. I have sat and looked at my keyboard many times. I have sat and stared at a pen for several unproductive minutes for multiple days now. Perhaps I have hit some writers block. I don’t know.
Anyways, I was scrolling along through pinterest and found a questionnaire that I thought seemed relevant to myself. I figured as we are (almost) all quarantined these days, why not get even more personal? I have no shame and nothing to lose. So here we go!
1. Do I like who I am right now?
I like myself more now than I have before. Of course there are always things I am striving to improve on. My mental health, my physical health, and marriage are things I will never stop trying to improve. But, I know I am a good person who only has the best intentions for every thing I do.
2. When was the last time I laughed so hard?
On Sunday afternoon, my mom and sister and myself went to the lake for a bike ride. We rented the bikes that they have stationed there. These are not typical bikes as they have some extra things attached to them making them a little heavier. Needless to say they are an adjustment at first. We started off on a very winding hill. My sister went first as she has been going several times a week and knows where she is going. My mom in the middle and I was behind her just to keep tabs on her. Not even 2 minutes into our ride my mom lost control of her bike, nearly implanting her front tire in a giant hole, but ultimately missed said hole and almost fell off sideways. She was ok and we were laughing so incredibly hard we were crying.
3. What would I truly regret not doing if I died tonight?
There are so many things I still want to do in this life, but if it were my time to go, there is not anything I would regret not having done personally. Of course I would miss out on so much of my kids and husband, family, and friends lives and that scares me the most. But, there isn’t anything I would regret not having done.
4. What is some advice that my family has given that I took just in time?
The first thing that comes to my mind is when I almost got smashed by a semi when I hit some black ice on the interstate and spun out of control. It was the first time I had driven long distance, especially alone, but in wintery conditions as well. Had it not been for the advice my sister gave me not long before this happened I probably would be dead. The advice is, when driving in bad conditions and you hit ice, do not hit the brakes or the gas, just steer. Had I not thought of that the moment I did, my car would have been seriously mangled by a semi and I would not be here telling you about it.
5. What were the top 3 lessons I learned the hard way?
1. Credit is the devil.
2. Not everyone has disturbing thoughts or depression, it isn’t “normal”.
3. Sugar is a drug.
6. What would I do if my biggest fear came true?
Well, my biggest fears involve death. I absolutely cannot fathom losing a child. I don’t know what I would do. I would be incapable of functioning. I literally just cannot imagine. My heart goes out to anyone who has had to go through it.
7. What would I do with the time I have left if only given 1 year to live?
I would try to make as many memories as possible with my kids and everyone I love. I would vlog every thing so that they could have it after I am gone.
8. Am I a servant of money or does money serve me?
Well, the only debt we have left are a couple family loans. So that I feel is a huge weight off of us. I think everyone in today’s society is somewhat a servant of money because you have to have money to pay for a house and food and all of those sort of things. However, I do not feel tied down anymore by the strain of debts.
9. Why am I afraid of being true to myself when others are around?
99.9% of the time I am true to myself regardless of who is around. Sometimes I do bite my tongue around people because I don’t need to fuel or cause unnecessary drama for others. If it doesn’t involve me personally then I don’t need to speak about it, unless they are asking for advice.
10. What are 3 things that I am most grateful for?
Since this says things, I won’t list people..
1. Clean water
2. Healthy food
3. Technology
11. Have I done something recently that I am proud of?
I think about this a lot. My day to day life doesn’t allow a whole lot of time for doing things for myself or out of the ordinary persay. But, I think being a kickass mother is something to be proud of every day. Raising humans is not an easy task and some days I feel like I am failing miserably. However, my kids are happy, loved, clothed, fed, and protected and even “just” maintaining that is something to be proud of.
12. When was the last time I extended kindness to somebody?
I always strive to be kind. Even to people who I feel may not deserve my kindness or graciousness, I still give it to them. With this pandemic going on, I haven’t gone out a whole lot, but if I do have to make a target drive up or go to an appointment, I am always sure to thank the person that has to help me.
13. What questions do I really want the answer to?
I think it is safe to say we all have unanswered questions. I strive to have no stone left unturned, but sometimes you just have to accept not knowing the answer.
1. Why was my relationship with you never a priority? [To my bio dad].
2. Why were you so insistent on name calling me behind my back right off the bat, when I did nothing wrong? Furthermore, why do you always leave that out when you tell people why you and your husband no longer have a relationship with my husband…🤔 [to my husband’s brother’s wife, Rachael].
So many things I would ask to both people, but they are too hard headed to listen and be civilized (trust me I have tried multiple times) so there is really no point.
14. What do I really want from life?
To be happy with myself and raise kids who are happy with themselves.
15. What aspect of my personality needs improvement still?
I find this question challenging because I don’t see any faults in my personality. I can’t pinpoint an answer for this, sorry.
16. Must I take other people’s advice?
Heck no! I have learned to not ask for advice very often. If I want advice it’s usually because I have more than one answer that feels right to me and having someone elses experience or expertise can help lean me one way over the other.
17. What annoys me the most?
Liars.
18. Do others find me likable?
Usually. If they don’t, then that is not my problem.
19. When was the last time I fell head over heels with life?
I really started to the last 4 years or so. When I am able to take more control of my life in every aspect, I can feel more at peace and excitement about where I am headed.
20. Am I enriching other people’s lives with what I do?
Well, outside of my own family, the only thing I “do” persay is this blog and my ability to offer encouragement to others. I actually had an old friend of mine recently tell me that I am her courage in dealing with her hardships because of the encouragement I have given her and my openness of my mental illness. So, that is something meaningful.
21. How meaningful is my life?
To me, very meaningful. To the world, I am not sure yet…
22. What makes life meaningful?
Happiness. Loving yourself enough to go for it, whatever it is that sets your soul on fire. Do it.
23. Would I lie down my life for somebody?
I would like to believe so, but I guess you don’t know until that moment.
24. How much money would I be willing to give to those in need if I won the lottery?
I would go crazy giving money! I have such a big heart and if I had the means to help, I am going to do it!
25.
Am I worthy of being loved?
One million percent yes!
26. What talents or skills do I have that I can do better than anyone else?
That is not a legit thing. There is always someone of equal talent or more, no matter what it is.
27. What are the things that put me off?
Liars. People who tell stories without putting in the parts of how they were guilty. Narcissist. People who use their astrological sign as justification for something. People who are highly drugged or intoxicated. People who use others and don’t even show appreciation for them.
28. What is a peaceful life?
One without stupid drama and hardships that cannot be overcome.
29. What am I most afraid of about life?
It ending before I am “ready”. Death.
30. If I had not been born what would be different about the world?
It would have less people in my family and it would have one less blog.
31. Would I enjoy watching a movie made of my life?
Probably
32. Is my definition of success the same as everyone elses?
I doubt it. Some people see money as success. Some people see happiness as success.
33. Do I have a personal mission?
I guess life?
34. How would I describe the perfect day?
I couldn’t because there is no such thing that exists in all scenarios and seasons.
35. What am I willing to go the extra mile for?
Myself and my family.
36. What are my 5 negative habits that I must change to something better?
Negative habits? Hmmmm.
1. Leaving stuff around the house and getting distracted by something and entirely forgetting about what I left behind to begin with.
2. Negative self talk.
3. Emotional spending (I have been working on this!)
4. Staying up too late.
5. Need for control.
37. What is something you are working on about yourself?
I am trying to dig deeper into myself. Why do certain things bother me? Why do certain things trigger me? What do I want to do when all my kids are in school? Trying to find the answers to these things.
38. How do you treat people that do you wrong?
Probably depends how it happens. I start by being angry, who wouldn’t. Then I will usually try to talk to that person to find their justification for what they did or said. Most people are willing to hash it out and make amends. The ones who refuse are no longer allowed in my life.
39. Have you read any good books lately?
I don’t read books all that often. The last one I listened to was Girl, Wash your Face.
40. Who do you look up to?
My mom the most probably. I feel like each aspect of my life may be a different person that I go to for advice or conversation.
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Wow! That was longer than I anticipated! Which is fine since I am currently processing my hair! But, it never hurts to ask yourself some profound questions. You never know where your answers will take you.
Reclaiming My Sanity 