Leaving My Light On

I tend to have very strong intuition. For the last couple of weeks I have been feeling a sense of doom. Nothing in particular to have a reason to feel that way, but it still lingers over me. I feel like at night and the morning is when it hits the worst. I am worrying about things that I don’t have control over.

Surely if I write about it though, it mustn’t come true…right?

Fear. Panic. Paranoia.

3 things that are absolutely draining to say the least. Do you ever find yourself watching or reading something and putting yourself in someone else’s shoes? This is me all of the time.

I had mentioned before about someone I started following recently, on Instagram, that lost their 3 month old baby when he stopped breating in his sleep. Now while they haven’t officially said what happened, my mind automatically goes to SIDS. I have an infant. My little Bug is almost 10 months old. I know SIDS is a very real thing. I am absolutely overwhelmed with fear. We recently moved his crib into the room with Pickle. He has been doing well, but I still go in there every night to check on him. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to lose one of my children. I hurt so much just even thinking about it.

Maybe I shouldn’t be allowed, but I am very interested in watching shows like Grey’s Anatomy (surgical shows, doctor shows etc.). I have been rewatching Grey’s and even though I enjoy the show, I can’t help but put myself in some of those people’s shoes. Like last night, the episodes were about a gunman in the hospital. First my brain went to, what if that happened when I was in the hospital on bed rest with my last pregnancy? How do I think I would have been in that situation? Would I have the courage to try and save people knowing I could be shot for trying? Would I put myself first? I really don’t know and I hope to never ever have to find that out. But it makes my brain remember that there is no such thing as a safe place. Anything can happen, anywhere. That scares me when I get to thinking too deep about it.

I also have been thinking a lot about our family, more specifically the older generations. Chris’ side of the family has had a lot of deaths lately. I am terrified of losing the ones we are so close to; his parents and his grandma. My parents aren’t getting younger either and I am utterly afraid of losing them. I don’t know how I would be able to live and breathe.

Basically I am terrified of things I cannot control. Death in particular is a very emotional subject for me (as it is with the majority of people). But as an empath, it literally consumes me. I lose energy and feel all too close to scenarios I haven’t even been in.

I just can’t shake the feeling of doom. The last time this happened, was last year when my youngest brother’s mom died. I so hope that nothing bad is coming.

I’m leaving my light on.

3 replies to “Leaving My Light On

  1. It’s pretty unsettling having thoughts like that. I have also had them a lot through the years. For me, I need to get up and shake it off, making my mind focus on something else. Doom and gloom thoughts can be debilitating, not only in your mind but throughout your body too. Hang in there 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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