The last time I gave an update was a little over a month ago in my reality and meds update post. Things were pretty bad around that time. I had sent a message to my doctor asking about the side effects of the medication that I was on. Unfortunately it was on a weekend so she didn’t get back to me right away.
I decided to go ahead and stop taking the meds to see if my chest pains stopped. That was a Saturday. By Tuesday I got a response from my doctor saying she didn’t think it would be related, but, it wasn’t impossible for it to be. She said I could stop taking it, if I wanted to, and see if that alleviated the issues.
I let her know I had already stopped taking it over the weekend and that the pains were not coming as frequent or as harsh. We decided it would be best to discontinue that particular medication. She then suggested starting me on Zoloft. Zoloft was one I had a terrible experience with as a teenager. I said absolutely not, not again. So she gave me a couple other choices and I went with one.
The first couple of days I didn’t feel much of a mental change. Then once again, all the sudden one day, I felt like a zombie. This lasted me 8 days I want to say. I sort felt like I was on a downward spiral. However, I knew I wasn’t feeling the full effects of the meds and that I needed to give it a full month to do so.
By the second week, I was feeling physically better [despite this ongoing cough/sickness]. However, I don’t really feel like much mentally has changed for me. The first medication I was on, mentally I could tell the difference. I felt like the darkness was not hovering over me. This time around, I can still see it peaking in at me. Though I am grateful that the chest pains and attacks are not happening thus far. We probably will end up upping the dose and seeing how that goes.
Someone once told me to remember that, “the meds won’t get rid of your depression entirely. It will just make it less frequent and easier to manage when it does happen.”
And even if that is all it does, it sure is a hell of a lot better than where I was at over the Summer. That was a scary place to be. I am giving myself the grace to get better slowly: one step at a time. But, I am definitely grateful for where I am now. I am grateful for the few people I have in my life that have been tremendously supportive.
I am grateful to have the will power to keep trying.
I am grateful to be alive.
[If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, paranoia, etc, please do not be afraid to speak up to a health care professional. The first try [medication or therapy] may not work, but by trial and error you can find what does work and be able to get through it! You are important and loved.]