Well, I fell off the wagon again. Originally when I started the 31 days of Halloween posts, I had every intention of posting something everyday. I was not expecting things to happen the way that they did and have felt like these Halloween posts were a deflection from my reality. So, here I am once again coming at ya with a dose of mental health reality.
If you have been following along, you know how I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and paranoia for the majority of my life now. After several failed attempts as a teen to be on medication for it, I spent nearly 13 years trying to “handle it” on my own. Until recently, I decided to give meds a try again. I expressed how terrified I was in my Medication Anxiety post. I decided to “man up” and swallow the pill. The first 4 days or so were great. I don’t know that I can attribute that to the meds, but nothing else had changed; so maybe?
By about a week in, I was mentally and physically a zombie. I struggled to even get out of bed. Pickle missed a day of school because I literally couldn’t do it. People who don’t understand think “wow, what a lazy piece of crap mom she is”. Except, it wasn’t that I was being lazy. I feel like being lazy is a choice. I didn’t have a choice. I was a literal zombie. I knew with starting meds that this could happen. I knew that it was something that I would have to push past in order to get the full effects from the meds. It lasted me about 3 days; the one day being the worst. After that, I slowly started to feel better again.
Last weekend, I started having some annoying chest pains. They came suddenly when we were out and about. I relate it to contractions; starting out happening every 20 minutes then slowly getting more frequent and stronger. By dinner time, the pain was constant. It was in my left side over my heart and into my arm pit. I started wondering, what if I am experiencing a heart attack or something?
We went home and I tried laying down on the couch. The pain was persistant and now I just felt really off. I told Chris that I maybe need to go get checked out. Then it started getting worse as he was getting the diaper bag and things ready. I started getting flustered and yelled at him that we needed to go right then.
We went to an immediate care clinic at the hospital. When we got to the parking lot, I started having the shakes. I also had this really weird warming sensation throughout my body. I started to wonder if I was going to collapse. Of course, thinking about things makes you feel them more, which then brought on the worst feeling. I told Chris I was afraid to walk as I might collapse. I felt like I needed medical attention right then and became panicked that it was taking so long. He had all the doors open trying to get the kids and myself out when I said I can’t do this. I need help. I need a wheelchair or something. Of course, I was not exactly nice about it and I feel bad, but I was terrified and in pain. I honestly thought I was about to collapse from a heart attack.
He walked across the parking lot to go inside and find a wheelchair. To me, he was not sensing the urgency and I was yelling at him to hurry up and run. I swear it was the longest 3 minutes of my life waiting for him. The pain still occuring, the weird warming thing still happening, shaking, and just feeling out of it. What the heck was happening to me!?
Finally we get inside. We had to wait for someone else to finish checking in and then I did. Of course when they hear chest pains, they send someone immediately to assess the severity of the situation. The P.A. came out and asked a few questions and said “we will get you back and checked out”.
The nurse came and wheeled me back. They took my vitals; blood pressure was high but nothing else seemed off. I got sent for chest xrays, that came back fine. So they decided to do a blood test to check for a blood clot. The said they like to see numbers under 200, 230 maximum. Mine came back at 270. They said they couldn’t rule out a blood clot and that they would have to transfer me to the emergency side. So we did just that.
There, they hooked me up to an EKG and an I.V. I got poked 3 times trying to get the IV in and the first one blew my vein. It was horrendous. Eventually we got it in, they gave me fluids and pain meds. Eventually I got wheeled down for a CT scan. I have had one before, so I remembered when the tech told me how the dye would make you feel like something tastes funny and then you feel like you pee your pants. Since I was already having the weird warming thing going on, it just intensified it some.
The scan came back clear and they wrote it off as Pleurisy. I am not convinced that is what is was. In fact, after I finally started coming down from the pains and what not, my gut tells me it was a severe panic attack. The thing about attacks is that you don’t really need a conscious thought to bring it on. I literally felt so good that morning as we were out shopping. It was very sudden when it happened. Since then, I have had chest pains occurring again. At least 3 different days that I can remember. I have been talking myself down when they happen, but it does take a lot out of you.
I don’t know if it is related to the meds or not. I am on my 3rd week of them, so I am still unsure if I can point fingers at that as the cause.
I don’t know. I just know that even though the depression has not been as present, my reality is still a struggle sometimes.