I am coming to you out of a near panic attack state that won’t wind down. Usually writing it out helps me feel better, so here I am.
For the last 4 or 5 days I have been on the edge. Stupid petty things are becoming triggering again and I no longer can choke it down. I don’t know why it is starting up again, but I know that I don’t like it. I am fully aware of myself; my emotions and my blood boiling anger. I sit and wonder if everyone would be better off without my constant anger around them. If I would be better off out of this world. Not that I am going to do anything to make that happen, but it is a thought that crosses my mind all of the time. How is it that I can have everything I ever wanted, but still have depression and anxiety problems? AND SO MUCH ANGER!
My chest feels like it wants to explode. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and just cry for hours all alone until the light dawns on me. I tried talking to some people about all of this and, of course, I get the same responses. “YOU NEED MEDS.”
Just the term “meds” makes me cringe and want to vomit. Not that I think they aren’t necessary for people, or even myself, but I JUST CANNOT GET PASSED THE ANXIETY IT GIVES ME. When I was 17 and first diagnosed with major depression, the doctor started me on Zoloft. I had such a terrible experience with it, feeling like a walking zombie that was high all the time. I quit taking it and started on Lexapro. I, again, felt like I was living life on a floating cloud. I couldn’t stand it, so I stopped taking it. At some point I remember also being on Celexa and stopped that one as well. None of the experiences I had were good.
It was also around that time, maybe a year or so after, my grandma had passed away. Knowing all of what she went through, I think scared me even more. She was on so many different medications just to keep side effects from her other medications from causing problems. My grandma was bipolar, schizophrenic, and just had some really off brain chemistry I guess. I am terrified of being on so many meds that I cannot function. I am even scared of not being totally in control of myself. I guess I am scared of becoming what she was battling.
But, for the last, I don’t know maybe 9 months or so, I have been considering meds. Though the thought of it makes me want to literally puke. Today brought on another series of near panic attack states and I am entirely present when it hits. I know I don’t want to be this way. I know that there is a version of myself somewhere that isn’t constantly provoked by everything that causes such a rage. I need a better quality of life and I guess the only thing I haven’t tried is regularly taking meds.
I messaged my doctor today while I was spiraling. She agreed to start me on meds. I haven’t told anyone yet. As if I need to make some sort of grand announcement to them or something, “HEY I AM GOING TO BE ON BRAIN MEDS!”
I am absolutely terrified. I know that for me, taking the first step was even being able to consider it. Followed by actually asking my doctor to prescribe it. The next battle will be to actually swallow it. The last time I was prescribed a medication, I got so anxious I spit it out after holding it in my mouth for a minute thinking, “what if I don’t wake up after taking this?” The anxiety and intense amount of being scared is all too real for me. So, I guess we will see what happens after picking up the meds.
I just know there has to be a better way to live.
There just has to.
I refuse to give up.