you become your environment

Why!?

Why do I have so much anger that I have the shortest fuse out of anyone I know?

They claim you become your environment. That your behavior is learned. Growing up, my dad was always seemingly angry (that is when he was around). He was constantly yelling at us; threatening us with belts and bare bottoms. I didn’t realize it then, but I think it has impacted me a lot more than I realized at the time.

Now that I am a parent, I am struggling with that same demeanor sometimes. I feel like shit when it happens. Yet, my pent up anger sometimes just takes over. Have you ever literally felt your blood boil?

It is not a fun feeling.

I want to be the one to “end the cycle”. Kids are just kids, they mimic what they see. I certainly don’t want to be this angry and yelling over stupid petty crap. They see that, they mimic that. Their behavior is learned from you. Even if they may not show it now, you can almost be certain of who they will become. How can I get mad at them for mimicing me? It is not fair to them and I constantly feel shitty for it.

I certainly do not want them to grow up to resent me or have ill feelings about me in the same ways that I do about my biological father. I also don’t want them to have this anger problem like I have had. I want to be better for them. I’m trying, but some days are still hard.

Jenn