As I previously mentioned in my post This Year In Review, I mentioned a little bit about stirring up old feelings in regards to my father. About two years ago I decided to finally put up a wall between he and I. I figured what was done was done and since I couldn’t move past it with the ongoing issues, to finally just let it go.
In a lot of ways it was because he once again put a woman before his children. He once again broke the promise he had made me about not doing that. Long story short, my father married a drug addict. Now while many people may think her age is the reason I had a problem, it truly was not that. Honestly, it didn’t have anything to do with her on a personal level. It was just the fact that he could invest himself so much into a woman again, but not his own children or even grandchildren. I had given up on him.
That following year (2018), I think I saw him twice. I kept things brief but civil and went on with my life.
Just this past May his wife died. I felt a sense of obligation to be there for him, next to my siblings, during such a tragic thing. I went with my sister to his house the night it all happened. The visit itself was fine, but I still left there wanting to keep up my wall.
I worked so hard after putting up my wall to try and leave the hurt from my childhood behind. By leaving it behind I mean, ignoring all the triggers that bring it up; including my father. Now here I was, sitting in his house, crying together, laughing together, and choking the hurt down because let’s face it it’s not an appropriate time to bring it all up. Then I left there and my mind was spinning, “what does this mean?”
Does this mean we are in each other’s lives again?
It has been practically a month since that night. We have texted a few times and talked on the phone once. Nothing about our relationship though.
I don’t know where I stand.
I don’t know what I want. Do I want to try again, knowing the probability of it turning out how it always has? Do I want to maintain the boundary of keeping our distance?
I really don’t know. I think because the only thing I do know is it will never meet my expectations, not even partially.
Between a rock and a hard place,