As I previously mentioned in my post This Year In Review, I mentioned a little bit about stirring up old feelings in regards to my father. About two years ago I decided to finally put up a wall between he and I. I figured what was done was done and since I couldn’t move past it with the ongoing issues, to finally just let it go.
In a lot of ways it was because he once again put a woman before his children. He once again broke the promise he had made me about not doing that. Long story short, my father married a drug addict. Now while many people may think her age is the reason I had a problem, it truly was not that. Honestly, it didn’t have anything to do with her on a personal level. It was just the fact that he could invest himself so much into a woman again, but not his own children or even grandchildren. I had given up on him.
That following year (2018), I think I saw him twice. I kept things brief but civil and went on with my life.
Just this past May his wife died. I felt a sense of obligation to be there for him, next to my siblings, during such a tragic thing. I went with my sister to his house the night it all happened. The visit itself was fine, but I still left there wanting to keep up my wall.
I worked so hard after putting up my wall to try and leave the hurt from my childhood behind. By leaving it behind I mean, ignoring all the triggers that bring it up; including my father. Now here I was, sitting in his house, crying together, laughing together, and choking the hurt down because let’s face it it’s not an appropriate time to bring it all up. Then I left there and my mind was spinning, “what does this mean?”
Does this mean we are in each other’s lives again?
It has been practically a month since that night. We have texted a few times and talked on the phone once. Nothing about our relationship though.
I don’t know where I stand.
I don’t know what I want. Do I want to try again, knowing the probability of it turning out how it always has? Do I want to maintain the boundary of keeping our distance?
I really don’t know. I think because the only thing I do know is it will never meet my expectations, not even partially.
Between a rock and a hard place,
-Jenn
Reclaiming My Sanity 
Wow! Sorry for your loss. That must have been difficult for you. How do you navigate between wanting to have a civil relationship with your father and protecting your soul? I just started going to therapy. I found a safe place where I can express those emotions. It’s helping. My hope is that you will one day find peace with your father. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.
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Thank you for the kind words. It is a tough battle between soul and hope. I thought I had it handled until she passed away. I think maybe part of it was the fact that for once I wasn’t the only one of my siblings that backed off the relationship with him, but now that she is gone that has changed. I’m back to being the only one that has issues. I do have a support system and go to a support group occasionally. It is just a rough situation.
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