Recently I have been made aware that not everyone understands what it means when I say, “I am on a spiral”. I guess I never thought that it was possible that other people never experienced this sort of thing. A spiral, to me, means that my thoughts are racing from one to the next without any sign of ending. It could be completely random thoughts, or it could be thoughts that come up based on association of the previous thought. Regardless, the spiral can be hard to come out of once it starts.
I have had this spiral for as long as I can remember. It never once dawned on me that it wasn’t “normal”. I figured everyone had these sort thoughts and just didn’t really talk about it. Realizing that there are people who do not experience this sort of set off a light bulb for me. Perhaps I need more help than I realized. When you have dealt with these sorts of things for what seems like your entire life, it becomes your normal. It then becomes hard to decipher between what is a normal human function or my mental illness at play.
I attended a group session yesterday for the first time. Listening to other people talk and refer to the same spirals that I have been experiencing was a very freeing experience. It is hard to explain a spiral, or mental illness, to someone who has not gone through it. It is hard for them to understand what you mean. It can make certain relationships difficult when you are asking for help, but they do not understand it enough to know what to do. In the session though, everyone got it. You could see them nodding their heads because, they too, know what you are talking about. It didn’t take all the energy I had to try and explain it to them because they already knew just by hearing the word. It is always a good feeling to know you are not alone. Trust me, no one is ever truly alone.
I am starting to learn a lot more about resources available for me. I am considering getting officially diagnosed (though I was as a teenager, but it wasn’t really taken that seriously) and possibly starting medication to see if that helps me. Though, none of that is set in stone as I have a million and one questions and fears about the whole thing. It is something I am looking into though, which is a pretty big step for me.
Feel free to hit that follow button to follow me along on this journey as I dig even deeper into the depths of myself (with life happening in between).