Reflection

So much can change in a year. I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on the changes that have happened in my life.

At this time last year, we were living in our old house. I remember we had talked about wanting to move and then deciding to wait to move (obviously changed our minds again). Pickle had started preschool and went through an attitude change. Poppy was not even crawling yet. However, I have been thinking a lot more about my personal changes.

I was not working. I was nearly 40 pounds heavier. My buried anger was at an all time high. My depression was harboring pretty deep.

Last Fall, I decided I needed to change. I was sick of my mental illnesses and emotional trauma controlling my life. Even when I thought I had it handled fairly well, I knew I wanted to be better.

It started with digging out my anger. Most of my anger stemmed from relationships that did not meet my expectations; mainly the relationship (or lack there of) with my biological dad. I had to finally tell myself it was okay to let go of the hope that I could make him change. I finally let him know how I have felt in his life style choices that keep him from being the dad I needed. I had to block him on all my social media accounts so that I wouldn’t be tempted to look at his and see the childhood I did not get to have with him (that he now gives my 2 youngest brothers). Since last year, I have only seen him maybe twice (at least once at my brother’s baby shower). It just simply isn’t worth the effects it gives me, knowing I won’t ever have the dad I needed, from him.

In the Fall last year, I decided to stop biting my tongue for the sake of others. I have talked some about the terrible relationship we have had with Chris’ brother and his wife. I was sick of pretending, on holidays, that we were a family. I personally have never felt like those 2 were my family, or even my friend. Though, I feel I went above and beyond in trying. This one was hard for me because I knew it was going to have some ramifications for people that I do consider my family; Chris’ parents and grandma. We finally let them (his brother and his wife) know what happened was not okay and that we no longer could have them in our life knowing that they did not see anything wrong with what did happen. I think we have seen them twice in the last year. Even in seeing them, we try to avoid any fake smiles and conversation with them.

I have had to come to terms with not being able to control situations. I faught so hard for those relationships to be fixed. I realized that it wasn’t me that could fix it. I had to let go of the hope that they would understand my perspective for us to find any sort of common ground. I had to let go of the sadness that they all 3 didn’t seem to care about us and our feelings. I had to let them all go. When someone else brings them up I try to tune it out and not respond much, if at all. I do not need the dwelling on the things I cannot change.

I can only change myself. Which is what I have been focusing on the most the last year.

Physically, I decided I had enough with my low self esteem and putting my needs dead last. I realized I was not a decent role model for my kids and that in order to be happy in my skin I needed to change. I lost almost 40 pounds in the 3 months I was on the Profile Plan. While I did not reach my goal weight, I am still proud of how far I came. I am proud of the discipline I had to accomplish that. With the weight loss came a new wardrobe. I no longer have to be depressed to find something to wear. Clothes excite me again. I have embraced my body.

Mentally, so much has changed. I have been opening doors to try things that I use to have anxiety about. Things as simple as going to a restaurant somewhere I was not comfortable in. Things like kayaking! I was not letting my weight be an excuse for missing out anymore. I still have some anxiety, but it is much more manageable now. I feel more free.

I believe I am a lot more head strong now. I have always been driven when I want something, but now it is even more. I am setting goals and accomplishing them; like writing a book (hopefully to come out by January 1st). I have a couple “side hussles” going, working part time in the evenings, and still playing the role of MomBoss. My recent motto is “eye on the prize”. Keeping goals in mind so that I can stay motivated.

One thing I haven’t discussed that has been a work in progress this last year is my marriage. It is easy to put your marriage, your partner, on the back burner when you have a million and seven things going on. We had some pretty rough times in our relationship this last year, but we refuse to give up and are working on us.

This past year has had a lot of triumphs , loopdy-loops, and hard times. However, I feel much more like myself than I ever have. This past year has seriously been the most rewarding for me, even the tough times have been rewarding. Without the tough times, we wouldn’t know what a good thing is. I may be nearing 30 (next year), but I am not afraid.

Jenn