Sitting at Pickle’s school waiting for them to be dismissed. Sitting here thinking about how I have changed as a mom. When Pickle was little, I was constantly doing activities with him and my nephew. I sort of had my own little preschool thing going on with them. All of my attention was on him. I didn’t have to worry about going to work.
Since I have started working last fall, I have changed. I have become even more tired than I used to be. It makes me have less motivation to do anything on the days that I work.
Now that Pickle is in school full time, I hardly have any time with him. I wake him up, make breakfast, get myself and Poppy ready, and take him to school. I spend the day with Poppy, pretty much being lazy most days, or cleaning. Once Pickle is out of school for the day, I make dinner so that we can eat together before I have to go to work. By time we are done eating, I have to get ready and then leave. I work until 10 most nights, sometimes 1030. By the time I get home everyone is asleep.
4 hours per shift may not seem like a lot to some, but for me it is everything. It is the things I am missing out on. It is the amount of energy I don’t have anymore. It is the time I do not get to spend being that fun mom anymore. It is the “not today” that I have to say when Pickle asks if I can take him to the park or play XYZ because I know I do not have time between cooking and having to leave for work.
I wish I could have a work from home job so that I could still feel present. We have become reliant on my little paychecks to accommodate our wants and even some needs (new car). I have been looking, but so far nothing that accommodates still being present with your kids has been available.
The mom guilt is all too real.