What If Fears
This past month has been generally really good for me. However, I did have a few episodes with anxiety. I have begun expressing my anxiety as situational; meaning it is coming from the situation I am in. Then there is the unexplained anxiety; the kind where you don’t know where it is coming from but it definitely is there. Neither is less real than the other, though situational may be easier to come down from as you know the cause and can try to fix it.
Last week, I had a really bad episode that was unexplained. I do not know what caused my head to start spiraling, but it did.
Trying to explain what was going on in my head to others is a little scary. Sometimes it is scary to face judgements, but I know I am not alone in these thoughts. I know that sharing my story will only help those who are like me.
I was laying in bed (it had to be well past midnight) and this wave of fear came over me. I went into this spiral of “what if” scenarios.
What if someone broke into our house?
What if someone broke in and Chris wouldn’t wake up?
What if someone broke in while I was asleep and took one of my kids?
What if someone broke in and hurt one of my kids?
What if someone broke in and hurt all of us?
I kept trying to rationalize with myself. The doors are locked. The dog would certainly bark at anything or anyone near our house let alone trying to get inside.
But what if? What if for some reason I didn’t hear or the dog didn’t bark. How could I possibly live with my child being taken or hurt? I know there are real people out there that have to live like that. It terrifies me. I have always known I am not invincible to things happening.
I wound up having a panic attack. I tried waking up Chris for support, but he is a hard one to get to wake up. I kept trying and trying. Eventually I got to a point where I started feeling isolated. I felt like I was going insane and there wasn’t anything I could do. I then started contemplating what would happen if I tried or succeeded in killing myself? Not that I wanted to do it or was going to do it, but how would others react if it did happen? The spiral continued of all these thoughts. I kept trying to wake Chris up and there were a few times he did long enough for me to say I need help, but he just couldn’t stay awake. I knew I didn’t want to do anything bad so I just kept trying.
At one point, I went out of my room and sat on the stairs. I will spare the graphics of my brain here, but let’s just say the thoughts were becoming more intense. I came back into my room and tried to wake Chris up again. He woke up and finally *mostly* came to. I told him I needed him and he asked what was going on. I told him I was spiraling and couldn’t get out.
I was crying a lot and my heart was racing, pounding like mad. Eventually Chris turned some music on to try and drown out the thoughts. It took a little bit of time, but eventually I wound up falling asleep. These fears are not uncommon for me. I think about them more than I care to say outloud.
The point is, that even though I am generally very happy these things still happen to me for no real reason. It is exhausting to go through these episodes, in fact I am still dealing with the aftermath of it; insomnia, irritability, and lack of energy. It is frustrating to say the least, but I know I have the strength to make it.