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Forgiveness?

I saw this on Pinterest and it got me in an uproar.

I hear all the time that in order to move on you have to forgive the person who wronged you. I disagree. I think there is a difference between forgiveness and letting go (though some definitions of the word will say they are one in the same).

To me, forgiveness means no longer holding a negative connotation towards the person who wronged you. It means you’re able to have a relationship with that person because you have forgiven their wrong doing. I feel like it also means you are able to accept their behavior and they have admitted fault to it. It means no longer holding a grudge against them.

Sometimes, we come across people who do not deserve, nor do they seek, forgiveness. I know it is a circumstantial, one size does not fit all, sort of thing. Sometimes, to bluntly put it, people are just plain assholes. These sort of assholes do not deserve to be forgiven in the sense that you forget whatever it was that they did to you, as if it never happened.

In my personal life, I have begun to rid my circle of these asshole types. I do not deserve to be ridiculed or trifled with. I do not forgive their actions, but I have chosen not to dwell on these things. These are the kind of people that do not deserve one ounce of my time, or kindness. I will not give in, nor forgive, those who don’t see anything wrong with their ridiculing behavior.

Forgiveness to me, is a mutual understanding between the two parties that whatever happened was wrong and that it won’t happen again. Forgiveness doesn’t work if the one who did the wrong doing, thinks they were in the right.

However…

Just because someone doesn’t forgive a person, doesn’t mean that they cannot move on with their own life. For instance, I do not forgive the people that have ridiculed me because they have repeatedly said they are not sorry for their actions. Instead of forgiving these toxic people, the best thing to do, is to wash my hands clean of them. I don’t have to forgive them, but I don’t let what they did control my life either.

I tried the whole, put the past in the past, but it’s hard to do that when it’s still an ongoing issue. Thus, forgiveness is not even an option. How can a person be forgiven for constantly knowingly ridiculing someone for their own entertainment? They don’t deserve it!

I won’t put myself, or my family, in a position where we have to fake that everything is okay, when it’s not. They don’t even deserve something as small as saying, “hello”. They can choose to live their life how they want to, ridiculing people, if that’s the kind of people they want to be. I however, cannot condone it. I don’t need it in my life, or my kids’ life. What kind of lesson would that teach my kids anyway?

Does it teach them that even though someone constantly treats you like crap we can still be friends with them?

I say, fuck that!

My kids don’t need to grow up accepting toxic relationships as an okay thing. I want them to know the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic one. It will spare them from the pain to learn the difference early on. It is something I wish I would have comprehended a long time ago.

I’m always learning.

So while I always hear “forgiveness is for yourself, not the other person” I think it is completely okay, not to be okay with how someone treated you. You don’t have any obligation to be friends, or have a relationship, with someone that doesn’t deserve it (even if that person is your own brother). You don’t have to excuse their behavior for it not to consume you. You can choose to let it go, but you don’t have to choose to forgive them, in order for your life to move on.

It doesn’t make you less classy, powerful, or strong to walk away from these kinds of people. You’re strong in knowing that walking away is the only way to move on. You’re classy in controlling your own behavior when there may be 1000 things you want to say back, but realizing it’s not worth the energy. You’re powerful in choosing your own path, your own happiness.

-Jenn

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9 Comments »

  1. Very true and interesting post…

    “Forgiveness to me is a mutual understanding between the two parties that whatever happened was wrong and that it won’t happen again. Forgiveness doesn’t work if the one who did the wrongdoing, thinks they were in the right.” Completely agreed with your post… Keep writing… 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am amazed at the people who can forgive the person who killed their child and other horrific things. I could not do that. In thec ase of my mother not providing what I needed as a child, I have forgiven her for that, however, I am no longer a child so our relationship is different now. In that case, it did me no good to hold the grudge and resentment for nearly 40 years. I wish I could have forgiven her sooner.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I, too, could not forgive something that horrible. Have you forgiven her to where you don’t think about or harbor any negative connotation towards her from the past? Not that you should or shouldn’t, but I am just curious.
      I guess for me, forgiveness means that I can accept their behavior enough to have a relationship with them. Some people don’t deserve that from me. But, that’s just my point of view.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Understandable, but that goes with the argument that forgiveness and letting go is one in the same. My point of view is that they’re both different from each other. You can let go, but still not condone the behavior of someone else. Forgiveness, to me, is saying “I’m okay with what you did” which allows disrespect to continue in many cases.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know what you mean. Forgiving a disease is not curing the disease, but forgiving the diseased person will bring a cure.

        I would never condone the continual abuse of others. It’s like an abused wife that keeps saying, “I forgive you” to the husband but she keeps being abused. Good fruit always has to come from forgiveness. The abusive husband needs to be restrained and the harm stopped.

        Liked by 1 person

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