Keep on Reeling Me In

I have been quite frank about the relationship, or lack there of, between my biological dad and myself. Back in August, our family had what seemed like “the final fall”. All due to the choices that he was making and continuing to put others before his children. A lot of my “emotional trauma” over the last 18 years or so, has manifested because of him.

Back story: my mom had suspicions of my dad having an affair. Every time it got brought up, he denied it. He played the religion card on her saying that he wouldn’t do that because of his religion. I don’t know how long the affair(s) were going on for, but finally he was caught red handed (I believe it was 1999). My parents divorced. He remained with the woman he was caught with for somewhere around 12 years before their hostile, unhealthy relationship finally broke for the last time.

About 5 or so months following their split, he started dating someone new. Someone who went to school with my siblings and I. The age gap definitely concerned all of us. Even more so knowing what we knew about her, was concerning to us. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt because I never had actually known her, but I heard the stories my siblings and their friends told. They weren’t pretty. It only took about 2 months for her to end up pregnant. I was pretty supportive during that time. I went out of my way to try and be helpful by cleaning his house and buying some baby things. Yet, the relationship still felt wrong between him and I. I have always felt second rate to the women he has been with.

They had broken up for awhile and were going through custody with the court system. Until one day, I got a phone call asking if my dad got married. I was flabbergasted. Immediately I call my dad and he goes on to tell me it was a playful joke that happened at the Bruno Mars concert. He promised me that if anything were to ever happen I would know about it beforehand. It only took 2 days before his “playful joke” was posted on Facebook that they were in fact engaged. Yet, I heard diddly squat about it. Seriously, Facebook comes before your kids? Of course, I was outraged. Of course, I went off on him. Spewing my emotions at him because I am so sick of being ranked so low on his list. He tried to explain to me the reasoning behind them getting married and adding in that “it just feels right” and “it is what we feel God wants”. Then of course, came the truth of an ulterior motive behind the rush wedding. They did get married a week or so after the “engagement” announcement. I had enough and played it mellow, while I was full of nasty things I wanted to say. None of that would matter. None of it has ever mattered.

During this “final fall” I really thought it was the end, we quit speaking to each other entirely. Granted, not that it was much to begin with. Before all this happened, I thought we were really going to be on the mend this time. Though, I always remain guarded with him because I have been left disappointed time after time. I thought everything was going well, that is until it came crashing down. 4 months after this all happened, I got a “happy birthday” text. I debated whether or not to respond. I knew if I did that it would lead to some kind of conversation. I responded anyway, because I am too nice. Feeling obligated to respond is sometimes a frustrating thing. I don’t have any obligations to responding to people who bring me down. I know this now. I am learning.

As I knew it would, the conversation eventually lead to him texting me more. Claiming that he wanted to fix the family. He suggested that he and I go to counseling together and he was going “look into it”. I knew that was his way of reeling me in once again. He even told me, “we don’t have to talk about what happened right now”. I don’t know about others, but my mind does not work like that. I cannot simply put things aside when they are bothering me immensely. It will eat at me until I am able to resolve them. The pathetic part is, that no matter how many times I have been hurt I still continue to hold on to the .0000001 chance that it could change. Like, what if this is the ONE TIME that something changes. It certainly is a mind fuck.

I cannot recreate my childhood. I cannot change my dad. I cannot change anything that has already occurred. As much as I wish things were different, I know they won’t ever be.

I know I am a good and worthy person. I am worthy of love. It is he who is missing out on me. It is he who is missing out on his two grandchildren. I no longer need his validation for me to have a happy life. I know who I am. I am stronger for the struggles I have been through. I am in no mood to be trifled with anymore. You either change and stay or back the fuck off. I am not a pawn and I am not playing games anymore.

Jenn