I promised I would always be real in my blogs. This one is no different. Though, I do cringe a bit when I think about specific people reading the details of my thoughts and feelings. I’m an open diary.
This therapy session was sparked by the word Football.
Around here, people are pretty serious about Football. I don’t loathe football, in fact, I once wanted to play football for my high school. I was told girls aren’t allowed to play because they’ll get hurt. So boys are allowed to get hurt, but not girls?
Anyway, this isn’t about physically playing football.
Like I said, people here are die hard Husker fans. Me? I can do without. I prefer to watch other things.
Everytime I hear we are invited to watch football, the first thought that comes to my brain is alcohol.
Of course, we can’t have any events without someone or many someone’s drinking. I don’t understand why people enjoy it so much. So much that it has to be associated with every single thing or else people don’t want to attend. I dont consider these people alcoholics, but what is the hype?
I have voiced my annoyance with alcohol a lot. So much so, that I don’t tend to get invited to things because people know my annoyance with it and being around it. Which, I get it.
One of my really great friends and I go round and round about this. Both of us standing firm in our positions. Then I got to thinking.
In high school, getting drunk seemed like the cool thing to do. So yes, I did it. Being a bafoon and laughing at my stupidity was considered a great time. Though, it wasn’t like I was partying. Drinking was usually just me and my best friend at her house.
After high school, I moved into my first apartment with my boyfriend at the time. He loved to drink. I don’t think there were many days when there wasn’t some form of alcohol in the apartment. It didn’t bother me.
Back then, I fancied a cold bottle of Jack. I didn’t even need a glass. Though, it was a rare occasion that I consumed it, maybe once a month. I have always been a hermit crab. I prefer being at home. I didn’t have much of a social life, of my own, during that relationship.
Once we broke up, my social life picked up. I started going to the karaoke bar with my biological dad. In a way, I think that was me trying to bond with him. He has always been a social drinker. I went to sing. It was like that was the only thing he and I had in common, singing. Except, he liked to get nice and toasty. Sometimes I would partake in a drink with him because he seemed to enjoy it.
I don’t like how I react, physically, to alcohol. I have 2 personality types and you can’t predetermine which one will come out if I drink. 1. Emotional cry baby or 2. I can take on the world. My body gets really hot. I also would get a dry throat, so singing and drinking didn’t mix for me.
So the ultimate question, why does it bother me now?
Well, I think a lot of it is related to my biological dad. Growing up, we were often left alone while he went out drinking with his friends. He wasn’t around much anyways, so looking back, why would he want to spend all his time away from us? If he wasn’t going out, then the party came to him. Our court appointed time with him, was usually us fending for ourselves. He wasn’t present, even when he physically was present.
I don’t want my kids feeling that way. I don’t want them growing up with all this resentment towards me because I know what a burden that is. I dont want my kids thinking the only way to have a good time or being social is with a drink in their hand. They may be young, but they notice these things.
Not only that, but I hate who people become when they drink. Loud obnoxious idiots. Okay, not everyone is like that, but most of them are. Parents tend to become lax on watching their children when they are drunk. I just have different standards for myself and my children.
What people do is their choice. I cannot control them as much as I’d like to. That doesn’t make me boring or anti-social. I think it makes me responsible.
So when the term Football comes up, I get a lump in my throat, knowing alcohol will automatically be a factor. I just don’t want to relive the disconnect.