Moving On Without Healing

We all go through struggles. Some people struggle more than others. Some people’s struggles seem much worse than others. The question is though, how does a person move on from something, if they never reach a point of healing?

Have you ever heard the saying “time heals all wounds”? I don’t think time has a way of healing things. I think it is just the fact that time passes and we have to learn to deal with these things in our own way, to keep from going insane, not necessarily healing.

When I decided I needed to write about this, I was not sure I would actually post it. I thought, maybe it would sit as a draft forever or maybe I would write it out and delete it. If you are reading this now it means that I decided to put it out there. Which, if you know me at all, knows that it took a lot of guts to hit that publish button. Mainly because of the back lash that potentially could come out of it. Though, none of this is new information.

Something in particular that I have struggled with is the healing from my childhood. I don’t want to air dirty laundry, but lets just say I have “daddy issues”. These issues have gone unresolved for many many years. Counseling, anger management, and direct talks have not been successful to where I could find a resolution and finally heal.

I think part of me disintegrated when I was very young. A part of me that I probably won’t ever be able to get back. At the same time, I cling to the very thought that there MAYBE a small fraction of a chance that I find it again. It is one of those things where it takes an effort on both sides, an honest effort, but that never tends to happen.

How can a person heal without reaching an end to the struggle? My answer, you truly don’t. Sure, I have decided that it is not something I am going to dwell on everyday anymore. I think that comes with maturity, but there will always be a part of me that is still sitting there hoping and wishing for things to turn around.

It is especially hard to not have jealousy issues when someone else is getting the things you didn’t from the person you need it from. In my case it would be watching how my younger brothers get the relationship that I never did get. Is there something wrong with me that I didn’t deserve the same amount of love? I replay things in my head trying to justify why. I never do find anything. 

My 10 year old self should not be blamed. That isnt fair. For an adult to blame a child for their mess is wrong. To continue to use that blame 17 years later makes me see how narcissistic he can be. 

How can a person blame a child for being heart broken? Especially when the entire mess just got brushed under the rug like it was no big deal? It was a big deal. Not only was it a big deal, but the events that followed were a big deal. 

Favoritism for others played a huge role in my depression manifestation. This new family he created became, seemingly, more important than the one we already had. That never changed. 

Even today the relationship is a struggle. It is nowhere near what my idea of a parent child relationship should be. Granted, yes, I am an adult now and do not depend on my parents for survival. I do however still need that bond.

 We can go months without talking and that is our normal. We only see each other for special occasions. Neither one of us make the effort to see each other on regular non special occasion days. 

I wish things could be different. I wish my inner 10 year old self has the chance to heal some day. I just don’t foresee that happening. So how do I move on without the healing?

In my mind, it’s knowing it is what it is. As much as I’d like to I cannot change someone else to fit my expectations. It is choosing not to dwell and think about the past because when I do the old hurt comes up. As much as I want it all to disappear, it doesn’t ever fully.

I have my good days and bad days. I do my best to focus more on the good ones. Dwelling on the past is pointless. I cannot change it. I cannot change him. All I can do is be the best me, the best mom, that I can be. With hopes that my kids never have to feel the same way as I did and for it to last their entire lives. 

My experiences shaped who I am. They have showed me who I want to be and who I don’t want to be. I know who I am and that is what counts.

-Jenn

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