There are moments in your life that define who you will be. Small moments and big moments that can impact your entire life.
You see, I am the product of a dysfunctional marriage, turned into a hasty divorce. THAT was one of my defining moments.
I never thought I was a child of a dysfunctional marriage. I thought everyone had families like mine. I know now I was too naive to notice.
To young to notice the deceit and the hurt going on behind closed doors. When I found out the truth, of course I was devastated. I didn’t blame myself as most psychologists claim children do in these situations. Though, looking back now I wonder, how did I not see it?
How did I not see the loveless marriage my parents were in? I was blissfully unaware, after all I was only 10 years old. In a way, though, I could consider that a good thing.
This dysfunction and one man’s hidden agenda caused me to break. Break to the point where trust is not something I can handle easily.
I am unable to fully trust anyone around me. I question motives and ponder “what if’s.” I like to believe people tell me the truth all of the time, but in my head I am never fully sure.
It’s like, nobody will ever have 100% of my trust. My trust level has a brick wall that not even the most honest person could climb over. It makes relationships, close ones, difficult. Always thinking people have a hidden agenda.
It makes it hard to forgive people, too. For some reason, I am really good at tracking lies. My instincts are usually spot on. Does that mean people can’t be forgiven? I also know that people are bound to make mistakes. No body is perfect.
I can forgive, but I cannot forget. If I let myself forget then it makes me naive to letting it happen again and I don’t want to be played for a fool.
Whilst I have gotten over the divorce itself and circumstances leading up to it, I can’t help but to stay guarded all of the time.
-Jenn
Reclaiming My Sanity 